Friday, December 10, 2004

I hate the gift-giving tradition. My secretary earns a good salary. Why should I be expected to buy her something just because it's the holidays? We're not friends. She works for me. Whatever I buy her, she probably won't even like. There are people here who give out too many cards and gifts. Everyone they work with gets something. It's economically unproductive. The holiday season makes it more difficult to get anything done. People think you're mean if you make someone work on Christmas. But there's still work to do. People think you're mean if you won't give an associate an afternoon off to do some holiday shopping. But I don't invent the work, at least not usually. It has to get done. This is what we signed up for. This is why we earn a lot of money. The Internet has made me completely unwilling to stand for anyone saying they need to leave work early to get to a store before it closes. Anything you can buy in a store, you can buy on the Internet. Anything you can buy on the Internet, you can buy at three in the morning. I don't know what to get my secretary. She could use a daily planner, in my opinion. But I imagine she wouldn't think that was much of a gift. She could also use some therapy.

Someone has started playing Christmas music in her office. I hate Christmas music. Every year it seems like more and more radio stations switch to an all-Christmas format. I can't find anything else to listen to on the commute. The only Christmas Song I like is Silver Bells, because it's about silver.

remember when MJ quit basketball and came back and sucked. it was a sad, sad spectacle. take heed. are you even the shark you once were, or did the pair shrivel up and fall off? i would love to litigate against you. weak. maybe its time for a sub.
I read your earlier stuff, and you seem to have lost some of your bite. No longer are you spewing pure hateful bile. At this point, you're kind of like Darth Vader at the end of Return of the Jedi: seeming a bit tired of it all. Perhaps it's time to take a hiatus and refresh yourself.
What most of you clowns don't get is the absolute genius of lines like this: "I don't invent the work, at least not usually." That's the golden quote hidden in the middle of everything else. Hilarious.
Its official, AL hates Christmas. In a desperate attempt to conform to every grouchy stereotype Hollywood has to offer, our dear lawyer has actually stooped to loathing Christmas. Sir, the only cure for you is Scrooged. It isn’t because Bill Murray has mysteriously made a comeback, or that over-work will soon cause you to hallucinate dead senior partners in three temporal flavors. Oh no. You, my friend, need some quality ideas. You need the first half of that movie.

If you really hate your minions so much, you need to put them to work on Christmas Eve. Due diligence; document production; starting a project that isn’t due until March? Any will do. Just think, some of your associates are still holding on to their feeble relationships with friends and loved ones. They will never make partner unless you teach them. Teach them to be free - just like you.
What is Anonymous Son getting for Christmas? Would you get time to spend with him?
Well spoken, AL, well spoken!
This is about the third time I've had the pleasure of stumbling across this page. I first took interest because I am in law school (2d tier, so Anonymous probably wouldn't consider it really "law school.") When I started law school I thought that I really wanted to work in the sort of environment in which Anonymous does. But then I saw some older students who graduated and went to work at big firms. They hate life. So now I just want to work someplace where I can make enough money to pay back my loans and drink in the bar on Friday night. And continue to know what vagina feels like. Ya, vagina is pretty sweet.......
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Hey 1:39, you know, you will be able to pay for it as a successful associate. You can get higher quality. I can't figure out why firms don't offer it as a perk.
Give her money, and lots of it, you prick.

Best regards and Merry Christmas,
Anonymous legal secretary.
AL hit the nail on the head with this one. I wouldn't give someone off five minutes to do some shopping. People don't need to buy or receive gifts, especially for a holiday that shouldn't be about gift giving at all. And all those people who give cards and listen to Christmas music and are all "into the holidays" need a beating real quick. I can't believe any lawyers are stupid enough to buy into the socially constructed version of Christmas, but there you go.
"This is what we signed up for. This is why we earn a lot of money."

Whatever. neither you nor your associates actually make that much money. Certainly not enough to never take a vacation on Christmas.
I agree with 3:21. Law is a waste of time for someone with any talents.
Remember when Anonymous Lawyer broke up with Anonymous Wife? That was about the time this blog became completely trite. Either (A) your life is a boring hollywood-style movie or (B) You have a boring imagination.

Lets hear more about your interactions with stupid Law School kids, or first year associates.
5:16: No! No more first-year stories! I want client stories! Partner stories! Other stories!

For those of you who think AL has lost a step... I think that's sometimes true. But, I propose a better soluition: If you think AL has put up a bad post, put up a better AL post. I'll start.

We have a corporate client who pays us for legal work. The VP who works with us doesn't understand that we know more law than he does. He wants us not to fight an expensive discovery battle. He says he doesn't want to pay the $80K for it. It's tempting to tell him to go find another lawyer, but that's $300K a year we'd lose. So, that's not going to happen.

So, they'll pay plaintiff an additional $100K rather than paying us $80K. Anyone who would rather pay more money - especially to some yahoo who couldn't figure out how not to slice off two of his own fingers - rather than less money is an idiot.

Of course, if it weren't for idiots, a lot of us wouldn't have jobs. And I wouldn't have nearly as many people to hire.
Just a thought, everyone. If we're the smartest of the smart, making 125k+ every year, why don't we just do whatever the fuck we want? Why not work smart, work less, and bring in huge amounts of cash? Why not live a golden life and fuck all of this bullshit. We're geniuses, we possess knowledge and the mindset few others outside the industry have, and we hold a monopoly on it. What's with this "work until I drop dead and have no life" attitude? If we're the best, why not LIVE like it. Seriously guys, this is disappointing to everyone with a pound of talent in them (because if you've only got an ounce, you sure as hell aren't talented enough).
Agreed, boring.
Hey AL, you can get her accessories, like bracelets, necklaces, pendants or a watch even, but no rings. Or even a nice scarf or shawl, pen, brooches or even lipstick. Perhaps even a spa voucher too. So many possiblities.
AL. Sweetheart. You could use some therapy, too. And your secretary probably knows it.
Hey have you read my resume yet? And yes, the post is weak.
You know, econmically, I don't see the point of working at a big firm. It's the poor man's way to get rich. And not really all that rich. If your purpose is money, there are easier, more rewarding ways to do it. Like go to business school, which sets you up for a career in which you can excericise some creativity and initiative. Business school is easier. Sure you have to eat what you kill when you get out, but isn't that what living a rewarding life is about? If the work is equally demanding, at least it has potential for intrinsic gratification--some dynamism, and some originality.

Maybe as people are saying, the big firm is also the mediocre man's way to get rich. Just look at AL. Whatever you once were, AL, you cop to your own mediocroty in, like, every single post.

Lord knows, I'm a 3L, and scores of my friends and classmates have scampered after big firm meat. Some of them are smart and able. And I wonder why they want to waste their time working for AL and his bretheren. But then some are petty and undiscerning. As to them, it makes perfect sense that they'd be looking to fill AL's shoes.

The money incentive makes perfect sense to me; who doesn't want to be comfortable? But if we're all good little Judge Posners, we'll all realize that much about quality of life can be reduced to economic value, and that lopping a few tens of thousands of dollars off an associate's salary (or a partner's take) to work someplace other than the meat packing plant equivalent of the legal industry, is a great deal.
FYI, doing well in law school does not make you a genius.
You are the brightest of the bright? Laughable. The reason you all went to law school was because you could not even *get in* to a medical school.

There is a reason legal work is shit - Legal work is shit - and you all are stuck doing it. This hardly qualifies you as bright.

Anyone, *anyone* can go into biglaw.
When I started reading this, I thought AL might actually be an attorney. Time passed and the posts piled up... paralegal maybe?

This post seals the deal. AL is the janitor or maybe the maintenance man. Maybe even at a law firm.
I'm an assclown who uses asterisks to *emphasize* the awkward *stresses* on words that occur *in* my brain.
In my *BRAIN*!

On a related note, when I interned at the Herman hospital in Houston, I overheard some of the doctors say they wished they went to law school instead. People are meant to be miserable.
Most doctors make less than 'biglaw' lawyers. Investment bankers have the real money - even though they're not as smart as most lawyers.
Investment bankers also work twice the hours of most lawyers. The rich ones at any rate. And they're coke heads too. Oh, and IBing takes off about five years on your lifespan. Just some interesting tidbits.
It's about time for AL to defend a polluter against a bunch of long-haired-rasta public interest lawyers. Contrast the life styles and satisfaction per dollar.

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