Saturday, October 22, 2005

There's a 3L who was a summer associate this past summer, and he still hasn't decided whether or not to accept the offer. He just badgered me with another e-mail, about the training opportunities and how many classes we offer and whether we offer opportunities to attend seminars on some garbage or another. Last week's was about the low-fat and vegetarian options in the cafeteria. It's a waste of my time to even answer these e-mails. It's not our training program that's going to make him accept the offer. He's just an indecisive risk-averse baby who's afraid of committing to anything. I bet he's sending these same e-mails to the other firm, and their answers are exactly the same as ours, and he's pulling out the little hair he has left. Law students are going bald younger and younger these days. They should do what I did and get some help with that. Medical science can perform miracles these days.

Law students think we don't mind these ridiculous questions about how we stack up to the competition, and of course we have to pretend that's the truth, but enough is enough. Ask me real questions, fine. But don't ask me about the hardwood finish on the desks as if this is really the critical factor in your decision. And don't ask me for an extension when it's just so you can obsess a bit more. If you make a mistake, then wait a year, suffer for your own inability to make the right decision, and then just lateral to the place you wish you were working at, only to then find it's no different at all, since we're all the same.

But don't ask me how many square feet your office is going to be, whether Columbus Day counts as a holiday or a vacation day, how far the farthest parking space is from the office, whether the elevators have TV screens in them, if the coffee is Starbucks, if we've upgraded to the newest Blackberry model, if the partners are encouraged to mentor their associates, if you'll ever get to leave the office before dinnertime, or if you'll like it here. You either already know the answers, shouldn't believe what we tell you, or are only kidding yourself if you think these things matter.

But we do provide free shoe shines, if that's going to tip the scales.

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