Saturday, April 21, 2007

I just left a message on an associate's cell phone. He was supposed to meet me in the office this morning to work on some document review, but he didn't show up. He sent me an e-mail that his wife is in the hospital, but apparently she's still alive. So he should be here. That's no excuse. As long as she hangs on, he should be here. I called to tell him he needed to report to the office right away, but it went right to voicemail. I'm pretty upset about it. I left a message:

"Hey, I want to tell you something, OK? I want to leave a message for you right now. Because it's 10:30 here in the office, and once again you've demonstrated a complete lack of regard for me, for the firm, and for your once-promising and now-destroyed career. When the time comes for me to go to work, I stop whatever I'm doing and I go and I come into the office. But you? You're not here, and you don't even have your damn phone turned on. So I want you to know something, OK?"

"I'm tired of playing this game with you. I'm leaving this message with you to tell you you have insulted me for the last time. You have insulted me. You don't have the brains or the decency as a human being. I don't give a damn that you've been at the firm 12 years, or 2 years, or you don't even work here, or your wife is in the hospital, or your seventeen children are all dead. Or that your secretary is a thoughtless pain in the ass. You have humiliated me for the last time."

"I'm going to come and find you, just to straighten you out on this issue. I'm going to let you know just how disappointed in you I am and how angry I am with you that you've done this to me again. You've made me feel like a mere associate over and over and over again, instead of a hiring partner, which I am, and which you will never be. And this crap you pull on me with this situation that you would never dream of doing if you cared about your job and you do it to me constantly and over and over again. I am going to come out there and I am going to straighten your ass out when I see you."

"Do you understand me? I'm going to really make sure you get it. Then I'm going to turn around and come back to the office and burn all of your stuff. So you'd better be ready to meet with me, and the entire executive committee. We're all going to let you know just how we feel about what a rude little pig you really are. You are a rude, thoughtless little pig."

I never knew that you had an ex-wife named "Kim". Interesting...
I am a law graduate (from Paris) but chose to trade money for time. I am now enjoying 13 weeks of holiday per year (paid!). Anyway i really liked your book and I have just started my own blog (even if the idea of sharing my personal thoughts online has always worried me). So like you i chose an anonymous name and I am waiting to see how it all pans out. Here is the link
Keep on writing!!
Congrats on the publishing of your paperback. Your blog has helped me during many days of boredom at the office.
Ah I'm in love with you after reading this ad.

Kiss kiss for elucidating who the real pig is.
Yes, this is hysterical. The sad part is that it's not the first time he's done something like this and he's not the only one that's done something like this and it won't be the last time something like this is done to someone...
Touche! Very well done. Laughing at my desk well done!!
So I guess it's safe to say that your next career turn will be a series of roles portraying various bloated caricatures of yourself and clinging to a diminishingly tolerable string of hosting gigs on a diminishingly tolerable late night comedy program whose pathos need only be evidenced by the fact that it provided gainful employment to Tim Meadows for so many years.
If i were the boss.. and i know tt u leave such a message to the guy... you will be the first to be send home.. with everything u have on your desk all in boxes. No matter how good you are in fighting cases. You don't deserve to be in the firm at all. Reason being you have bad attitude and character.
Book, terrific...please hurry and write another. Blog, also terrific, please don't wait so long between postings. Between book and blog, the hours in my in-house legal department job just seem to fly right by. Thanks AnonLawyer
I think you can laugh even harder at this site if you actually worked at a law firm. It's like how you can find new depths to Stewie's (from Family Guy's) genius once you have actual children.
Jeez, I'd hate tosee you when you're really pissed off.
Brilliant as usual.

I would like to thank you for giving me a generous position of no major importance at Anonymous Law Firm, Baghdad office. I will be an efficient zombie doing any and all your whims.
I have to laugh just as much on the comments as I do your entries. Do these people realize this isn't real? hahahaha
Oh Jee-sus, SymplyAmused, did you just start reading yesterday? We ALL know this isn't real.
You took my comment for real, didn't you? hahaha
You are too hilarious!
The problem with people like you is that you think your 6-digit salary earns you the right to disregard basic ethics. The man's wife is in the hospital, you retard. That you may not love your wife does not mean other people feel the same way.

You should be ashamed of yourself and your immature behaviour.
I hope you realize that this is a parody (not a real story).
The spoof is on what Alec Baldwin said to his 10 year daughter, the phone message that was left for the little girl, in which he said almost all the things that this "lawyer" said. Yes, Alec really called his own daughter a pig. So what does that make him? A fatter, older, more odorous pig?
I know people around me who had said things like that. That´s the reason why they became partners.
I love Alec Baldwin, his comedic presence has lasting power.

I think that Kim Bassinger, his ex- wife, is a pig for releasing the voicemail to the press.

The decision to publicize their 'personal' family issues was made in poor taste and with no consideration for their adolescent daughter and her feelings. The disregard for the public, who should have no interest in the daily on-goings of celebrity family banter, was even more egregious.

If people had been working rather than becoming preoccupied with what Alec is saying, then everyone would've been billing more hours. Unless you are Alec's attorney, and hence already working, get back to work.
To Anonymous note above referencing Alec Baldwin & Kim Bassinger - how lame. Don't try to imitate the Anonymous Lawyer and please keep to your boring blog.
Jules, your use of the word "retard" in an effort to belittle the author really undermines any credibility you might be trying to establish as some sort of voice of conscience.
The height of satire. Truly brilliant. Thank you.
That's cool.. You listen to Dane Cook too then huh? His threatening message to his grandmother was hiiiiilarious.
i am buying your book for my BF who is in law school. Nice
AL - what happened to your new years resolution about posting every day? It's exam season and you're killing me here, I might actually have to go study because I'm sick of reading all of your archives.
Wow, am I ever glad I'm on burnout and actually spending it at home this time, instead of going to work while heavily medicated! Because now I actually have time to read other people's blogs and manic ramblings too!

(oops, did I actually just say that? Are you likely to sue me? Is my employer likely to sue me? Should I edit? Should I run this by my own lawyer before posting?)

I used to have a blog where I did a lot of necessary venting about my job in the publishing industry and being "single in the city", and boy was it ever fun! Am thinking about turning that into a book project, but the world doesn't need another "Devil Wears Prada" obviously.

Would be curious to have your feedback, though of course you probably don't have time to spare and I can't afford your fees—and truth be told—lawyers do scare me a little. Just a little. Especially since am a changed person and all whitey white and clean now.

But it's good to see others carrying the torch. Keep blogging Anonymous Laywer, I'll keep reading!

aka "Smiler"

Peace, love & namaste!
Hey, may I say that... who's the selfish pig for not posting in nearly two weeks?
Hey, it's May 6th and still no updates on the blog. What gives?
Loved it!
Couldn't stop laughing! Nearly split my sides! I bought the book and now finally found the blog! Weird thing is I love reading the comments almost as much as the blog! Seeing everyone's reaction to this is so funny! But i can't decide is it because they really are insulted that people in power are so thoughtless, or are they jealous that they aren't in power themselves and can't do it?
I work in retail. I actually had a manager tell me once, "you think you actually get to go to lunch around here? What do you think this is, a law office where the senior partner goes out for a three martini lunch and plays golf the rest of the day?"
God, I'm glad I left that world! I had similar experiences to that when I was nothing more than a billable-hour slave.
You know what, I don't care to what degree this entry is satirical... fuck law school, man.
Great work.
I never knew that you had a ex-wife. Kim, interesting name!
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