Friday, May 08, 2009

 
To: All Associates
Re: Summer Lunch Policy

Please note the following changes to our summer lunch policy. Be aware that these changes are unrelated to the firm's current economic situation, which, as we discussed during everyone's "salary realignment meetings" last week, is quite excellent, and our unwillingness to back that up with any sort of documentation is entirely due to our new environmentally-motivated "paper(and printer)less office" policy and not due to the numbers on our balance sheets, or the fact that we can no longer afford toner. Instead, we are amending the lunch policy to reflect that in today's health-conscious society, it doesn't make sense to eat lunch more than once a month. Also, in today's overpopulated society, it doesn't make sense not to take advantage of our laid-off associates in a new "alumni lunch" program, details at #6 below. We appreciate your attention to these important matters.

1. The per person lunch cap will be revised from $80/person to $.80/person.

2. Summers will share entrees at a rate of 40 summers: 1 entree.

3. Each summer is entitled to one lunch credit per month. Additional lunch credits can be purchased at a rate of $100/credit, cash only, from my office.

4. Each associate is entitled to take any particular summer associate to lunch no more than zero times.

5. Approved restaurants include the following: [end of list]

6. Our new "alumni lunch" program will consist of former associates returning to the firm during the lunch hour, under the false pretense of getting their jobs back. They will be slaughtered and served to summer associates in conference room 23B. Please direct all summer associates who ask about summer lunches to this conference room. Advise them that they should provide their own flatware.

7. Partners are exempt from the new rules and will continue to spend an unlimited amount of money on food they won't even enjoy.

Thank you,
The Partnership

Comments:
Uh huh. I'm SURE Anonymous Firm isn't going under due to any economic crisis or anything.

Enjoy your secret fifty dollar lunches, sicko.
 
hilarious
 
You're posting again! I'm so pleased.

Here in Australia my colleagues and I had almost given up hope of hearing news of your firm again.

Just so you know a little of what's happening in the Antipodes ..

The catering for our meetings has also been 'rationalised' because of the difficult economic times, but we still occasionally get fruit on our plates! And just as well, some of the work can be a little constipating.

Also, the move from expensive ciabatta bread to cheap flour tortillas for our sandwiches has happily coincided with the aging of our team who can no longer chew like they used to. So, it's win-win!

I do hope you have plans to open an office here someday. It won't break the bank, I promise you. We all pretty much work for peanuts here.

Sincerely, Regina P.
 
Hey Anonymous! Very nice Summer Lunch Policy huh?

LLC
 
the economic crunch is no laughngmatter,take t seriously,thousands hav lost their jibs and u r makng jokes out f t
 
love your work AL.

http://lawdemon.blogspot.com/
 
Your blog is so lively.. All your posts make a very interesting read

Apostille
 
This comment has been removed by the author.
 
I love the sarcasm... I wonder how your law firm's partners would react to this... lalalalalala :D

 
So, soylent green isn't actually people--it is associates! Well, that makes it alright then...
 
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