Wednesday, July 22, 2020

 

Masks

I was thinking more about status distinctions after my post yesterday, and I realized that I’ve been missing an important insight. It has to do with masks, and how they don’t all have to be the same. It’s boring if they’re all the same anyway, right?

I mean, we never used to have an opportunity to know just by looking at someone whether or not they were worth our attention, but I’m starting to come up with a plan for once we’re back in the office. It’s hard enough to tell who’s who under normal circumstances — every paralegal looks exactly the same, after all — so without faces to guide us, it’s going to be an even bigger challenge… but not with my new mask policy.

Support staff, one color. Associates, another color. Partners, I suppose we’ll go with green, for money — or we can just make the masks out of hundred-dollar bills, to highlight how little we care about a few hundred bucks that we’re totally fine tearing the bills apart and using them as face coverings. (We’ll clean them first, both in the sense of hygiene and also because most of the money in my wallet is probably of some sort of questionable provenance.)

It will make life so much easier to not have to worry I’m mistaking a pointless human walking down the hall for a slightly less pointless human being. Not that I’m going to be talking to anyone in the hall. That’s too risky, right? Safer to ignore everyone, especially when they have some kind of question or concern. I don’t want to risk getting the virus over actually engaging with someone who needs to ask me for permission to leave early. If you have a question, send an email. Then I can ignore it without feeling quite as rude.

I don’t expect it’s actually going to be sustainable to wear masks in the office, which is why I really don’t think we’re going to end up requiring people to come back, unless someone really doesn’t want to come back, in which case we’re going to insist, just because we can. It’s so much harder to look angry with a mask on, or disappointed, or like you’re questioning how someone ever managed to pass the bar exam. It’s harder to scream, harder to shout, harder to spit. Not that I ever actually spit at someone on purpose. We absolutely reached a confidential settlement on that one that did not require me to admit guilt, so there’s really nothing worth talking about there.

We’ve thought about ordering masks with the firm’s logo on it, but we ended up deciding there was more potential downside than upside. There are people out in the world who aren’t thrilled with us, and we don’t really want to put our staff at risk in the community. We’d rather just put them at risk in the office. I want to control the risks, adjust the levers to achieve the right behaviors, manipulate people as I see fit. Having strangers trying to attack our people is just too unpredictable.

Actually, that might be a good line to use in the recruiting video I’m about to put together for law students to watch, as part of our new not-on-campus recruiting process. “At our firm, we’re like family. We don’t want strangers to attack you. We want to do it ourselves.”

(Want to receive new posts by email? Subscribe at https://jeremyblachman.substack.com/.)

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Car Accident Attorney Columbus
 
Chapter 3: Heavy Meddling With The Anatomy
Lincoln was at school, opening his locker when he noticed something wrong. He had just been pantsed.

"Really?" Lincoln asked.

...

Later on, after class had ended, Lincoln had tried to get out of his seat, only to fall over as his shoelaces had been tied together.

"Oh, real original." Lincoln commented in irritation.

...

Later at lunchtime, Lincoln sat down only to sit on a whoopee cushion that made a loud farting noise.

"That's real mature!" Lincoln stated sarcastically.

...

Later on again, Lincoln looked to see if the person pulling pranks was around. Seeing no sign of them, Lincoln opened his locker, only for a pile of trash to fall out onto him. Lincoln fumed as he got out of the trash pile. "All right! That's it!"

...

After school, Lincoln walked home along with Clyde. "So, you really confronted that bully?" Clyde asked.

"That's right." Lincoln answered. "I said to meet me at 3:30 in front of my house and that we're gonna settle this."

"Man, she seemed grouchier then usual today." Clyde recalled. "Are you sure you wanna start a fight?"

"I'm not an animal, Clyde. I'm going to deliver a strongly worded speech...as soon as I write it." Lincoln declared.

"Looks like she left you a note of her own." Clyde stated, pointing out a note that was stuck to Lincoln's head with a piece of gum.

"Huh?" Lincoln pulled the note off his head before reading it. "Lame-O."

Clyde then sniffed the gum that was still on Lincoln's head. "Ooh! Watermelon lime!"

"Better not let my sisters see this, 'cause then they'll want to get involved and make things worse, the way they always do."

"I don't know." Clyde argued. "Maybe they'd be helpful. Your sister Lori gives great advice. She told me to never be myself. I love that woman." Thinking about Lori had put Clyde into a lovesick trance.

Lincoln sighed. "Clyde, you have no idea what it's like to have ten meddling sisters. One time, I ended up covered head to toe in bandages which was then followed by Leni accidentally dropping a bowl of boiling hot soup into my lap! And that was just over a paper cut!"

"Well, then, you'd better get that gum out." Clyde warned. "You wanna look intimidating for that bully."

"I was born intimidating." Lincoln declared before trying to get the gum out to no avail. "Ew, ew! Gross!"
 
After Lincoln had gotten home, he looked around to make sure his sisters wouldn't spot him. It seemed like the coast was clear so Lincoln made his way to sneak into the kitchen to get some peanut butter to get the gum out.

"You should have heard Carol the other week." Lincoln jumped at Lori's voice but quickly realised she was just talking on the phone. "She was all like 'I got an internship with a scientist!' She is so full of herself!"

Lincoln was about to move on until he heard Lana sighing in the living room. Lincoln frowned in concern. Lana had been in a depressive state since the family's dog had left them. Forgetting about his current dilemma, Lincoln went to check up on her.

"Hey, are you doing okay?" Lincoln asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine..." Lana said as she was watching TV, flipping through the channels with nothing in mind that she wanted to watch. Lincoln wasn't convinced as she still sounded a little down. Lana then turned to Lincoln, noticing something wrong. "Why is there gum in your hair?"

"Uhh...".

"Is someone bullying you?"

"N-no, it's just-."

"Everyone! Lincoln's being bullied!" At Lana's call, the rest of Lincoln's siblings rushed in like a tornado.

"Oh no." Lincoln groaned.

"You're being picked on?" Lynn asked.

"Guys! Guys! Please stay out of this! You'll only make it worse!" Lincoln begged but to no avail.

"If by worse you mean better, I agree." Lori stated. At that moment, Rick had come in.

"W-what's going on? What's everyone yelling about?" Rick asked.

"Lincoln's being bullied by someone." Lori answered.

"Oh. Well then-"

Before Rick could go on, he was interrupted by Lola. "You should go straight to the school principal!"

"Forget that. You should literally text an embarrassing picture of him to all his friends." Lori advised. All the sisters were now concentrating hard on how to deal with this bully to the point that they weren't really paying attention to what Lincoln or what Rick had to say.

"I'm gonna write an insult comedy routine that will leave him in tears." Luan stated.

Lynn then flipped towards Lincoln before delivering a kick that sent him to the ground. "Basic stealth ninja kick. That's how you're gonna take him down."

Lincoln groaned in pain as he got back up. "Lynn, I'm not going to fight. I-"

Before he could finish, Lynn interrupted him with a groan, leaving to go somewhere. "Ugh! Fine! I'll take care of this myself."

"Hey, uh I have an idea. How about you just-"

Yet again Rick was interrupted as Luna slammed a pair of cymbals in his and Lincoln's ears. "You should do this! His ears'll be ringing for days!"
 
"Ugly jokes are always good, too. Like, 'You're so ugly, you have to trick-or-treat over the phone!'" Luan offered.

"What?" Lincoln asked as his ears were still ringing. Lynn then came back, holding a random boy Lincoln had never seen before.

"Look! I found him!" Lynn called out. The rest of the sisters then surrounded the boy while Rick just stared, not sure what to even make of his granddaughters' behaviour.

"What the hell..." Rick muttered quietly to himself.

Before his sisters could hurt the boy, Lincoln stopped them. "Wait! Stop! This guy isn't my enemy! Although, thanks to you, he probably will be now." The boy glared at him.

"Oh...why are you still here?" Lynn asked before kicking the boy out. "I'll go get another boy."

"No Lynn, stop!" Lincoln called out before she made more enemies for him. "It's not even a boy!"

Everyone then stopped, perplexed at Lincoln's statement.

"Is it a dog?" Leni asked.

Lincoln sighed. "It's a girl..."

At first, the girls were flabbergasted at the revelation before all of them, except Lisa, started squealing with delight. Rick on the other hand, was starting to get more irritated with his granddaughters.

"What?" Lincoln asked in confusion.

The girls besides Lisa then hugged him. "Normally, I don't care for inane human emotions, but...eeeeee!" Lisa squealed as she joined in on the hug.

"Lincoln! Why didn't you tell us you had a girlfriend?" Luna asked.

"She sounds so pretty!" Lola gushed.

"What is happening?" Lincoln mostly asked himself as he was being suffocated. His sisters then let go of him.

"When a girl picks on you, that only ever means one thing: she likes you~." Lori teased as Lincoln's sisters all erupted in another bout of squealing. Rick had decided he'd finally had enough.

"Ok, can you all shut the hell up for just a sec?" Rick demanded prompting all the girls to stop. "Seriously? Y-You think because this bully is a girl that she likes him? What is this? The nineties?"

"B-But, that's just how it is. Whenever boys and girls tease each other, it's usually because they have a crush." Lori stammered, slightly unsure of herself after Rick's comments.

"You don't know this girl. You don't why she could be bullying Lincoln. She could just be a jerk. B-besides, what are you trying to teach him? That when someone treats you like crap and puts gum in your hair, it means they love you?" Rick chastised. At this, the sisters started to look downwards, feeling slightly ashamed of themselves.

"Well, when you put it that way..." Lori conceded.

"And this is why I don't care for inane human emotions." Lisa stated. Rick made a mental note to talk to Lisa about these comments at a later time.

Rick then knelt down and placed his hands on Lincoln's shoulders. "Alright Lincoln. This is what you gotta do. Y-you gotta go up to this girl's face, tell her exactly how you feel, then tell her to cut the crap. If she's still bullying you after that, me and your parents will take it to school. And trust me, they-they'll listen to what I have to say."

"That...actually sounds like a good idea. And convenient since I already told her to meet me at 3:30. Thanks Grandpa Rick. At least someone in this house can actually help me out." Lincoln snarked before going to his room to sort out his hair problem. The rest of his sisters frowned at that last comment.

"Jesus, you guys ever thought of toning it down a bit?" Rick snarked.

"Well gee. Sorry for caring." Lori snapped back.
 
Ronnie Anne Santiago was a Latin-American girl with dark tan skin, black hair worn in a ponytail, freckles on her cheeks, and two buck teeth that stick out of her mouth. She wore a purple hooded sweatshirt with jean shorts. As she made her way to Lincoln's house, she asked herself why had even agreed to meet up with Lincoln. If she were honest, she hadn't been thinking clearly since she woke up this morning feeling slightly sick. She decided it wasn't worth telling her mom about, though it kept her in a bad mood throughout the day. She briefly wondered if she should just apologise to Lincoln as in hindsight, she felt like she went a little too hard on him today but her pride made her decide against it. She went on not really knowing what to expect as she ignored the grumbling in her stomach.

...

"It's 3:30. Let's do this." Lincoln stated. He opened the door and left the house to see Ronnie Anne standing on the other side of the street with a smug look on her face. As he made his way over to her, his sisters had all decided to watch from the window in case anything went wrong.

"Sup Lame-O. You said you wanted to settle this?" Ronnie Anne taunted.

"Ronnie Anne, I've something to confess to you." Lincoln stated.

"Y-you do?" Ronnie Anne stammered. Her eyes flickered for a moment before donning a look of smugness again.

"Yeah. You need to stop with the pranks. I don't know if you realise this, but I really don't find them funny. They're actually really upsetting me. I've decided that I won't just take it any more. So either you stop or my parents'll be taking it to the school."

As the sisters were watching him, Rick also decided to come to the window to watch as well. His eyes then widened when he saw who Lincoln's bully actually was. "Ohhh... that's who's bullying him." Rick said in realisation.

"Is something wrong, Grandpa Rick?" Lori asked.

"Uh, nope. Nothing's wrong." Rick lied.

Ronnie Anne hadn't expected Lincoln to stand up for himself so suddenly. She mentally kicked herself. She should've known Lincoln would react like this eventually. Especially after today. How could she be so stupid she thought to herself.

Ronnie Anne frowned and looked away. "Y-yeah ok. You made your point. I'll leave you alone then or whatever."

While Ronnie Anne was trying to act tough, Lincoln could tell there was a hint of sadness in her tone. Lincoln's more empathetic side kicked in as he recalled what Rick said. He didn't know what reason Ronnie Anne had for bullying him. Who knows what she was going through.

"Well you don't have to leave me alone, I mean, why can't we just be friends?" Lincoln offered, sticking his hand out for her to shake.

Ronnie Anne turned back to Lincoln with a raised eyebrow. "Friends?..." She thought for a moment before smiling. "Yeah sure, why not." Ronnie Anne lifted her arm to shake his hand before suddenly clinging her stomach in pain. "Guh!"

"Um, are you ok?" Lincoln asked in concern. Ronnie Anne groaned in response before falling to her knees.

"Ah shit." Rick stated before running outside to the two. "H-hey Lincoln! Is this your new friend? W-why don't you come inside for a bit, show her around the place?" Rick offered as he started to push the two towards the house.

"Um, Grandpa Rick, is something wrong?" Lincoln asked.

"What? No! N-N-Nothings wrong!" Rick lied. As soon as he pushed them inside, Ronnie Anne looked around.

"Um...nice place you got here?" Was all Ronnie Anne said before Rick suddenly shot her with a tranquiliser gun, putting her to sleep.

"Grandpa Rick! What are you doing?!" Lincoln asked in shock. His sisters now joining him.
 
"Ok, you're gonna have to bear with me on this one, Lincoln." Rick stated as he picked Ronnie Anne up and made his way to the garage. "I built a theme park inside your friend, Lincoln."

"WHAT?!" Lincoln and the rest of his sisters all shouted at once. "Why on earth would you do that?" Lincoln asked, flabbergasted.

"Look, it's a little business venture I've been cookin' up on the side with Dr. Bloom. An amusement park inside a human body. Unfortunately, I couldn't find any volunteers. So, a while ago, I saw Lincoln getting picked on when I was picking him up from school and I thought 'eh, why not.'"

"Seriously?" Lori yelled as they entered the garage. Rick layed Ronnie Anne on the table and hooked her up with some medical equipment.

"Look in my defence, I was really drunk at the time." Rick admitted.

"I can't believe you! I thought my sisters' meddling was bad but this? You're just as bad as them! Maybe even worse!" Lincoln ranted, disappointed and angry with his grandpa.

"Look, you can get mad at me later, right now, I'm trying to save your friends' life. Lisa, you know about medical science right?" Rick asked.

"Affirmative. I have some experiences in that field." Lisa answered plainly.

"Good. You and me will be helping her from the outside. Lincoln, you'll be helping her from the inside." Rick stated as he handed Lincoln a laser gun.

"Huh?"

"I'm going to shrink you down Lincoln. You're going to go into Ronnie Anne to find out what the problem is. You can start by finding Dr. Xenon Bloom. He'll know what's goin' on. If you see anything that looks like a disease, kill it. Trust me, you'll know when you see it"

"Well that's one way to get to a girl's heart. Heh heh, get it?" Luan joked. Everyone groaned in response.

"Ooh ooh, can I come? A theme park inside a body sounds awesome!" Lana asked enthusiastically.

Rick thought for a second before handing her another laser gun. "Sure, Lincoln might need some backup. Ok, everyone else can get lost now."

The rest of the sisters started to leave though Lori decided to make a comment before leaving, giving him a smug look. "Just one question, how does it feel to be a massive hypocrite?"

Rick glared at her, deciding not to answer her question. After they all left, Lucy asked "So, should I get the funeral equipment ready just in case?" This earned her a couple glares from her sisters.

Rick then gave both Lincoln and Lana a glass oxygen helmet with a breathing device on their backs. He then got out a shrink ray, plugged it in and set Lincoln and Lana onto it. "Hold your breath until the process is over or your lungs will collapse."

Rick then activated the machine, shrinking Lincoln and Lana down to microscopic size. Rick then picked up the container that Lincoln and Lana shrank into and put it into a syringe. He then injected them into Ronnie Anne's chest.

...

Lincoln and Lana screamed as they were injected into Ronnie Anne's body in a stream of pink fluid. Luckily, they managed to land on something soft and pulsating. While Lincoln was slightly disgusted, Lana was amazed and excited. "Cool! So this is what the inside of a body looks like!"

Both Lincoln and Lana then heard Rick's voice come through their headpieces. "Lincoln, Lana can you hear me? Head north!"

"Where are we?" Lincoln asked before he and Lana followed Rick's directions.

"Depending on my aim, you should be just south of the entrance." Rick answered. After he said that, both of them gasped as they had found what they were looking for.

"Welcome kids. Welcome...to Anatomy Park!" Rick announced dramatically. The park almost looked like a regular theme park apart from the fact that all the attractions were mixed in with Ronnie Anne's internal organs.
 
"Oh my gosh. This is the best theme park ever!" Lana squealed as she ran around the place looking at all the attractions.

"May I inquire as to why you decided to build an amusement park inside a human body?" Lisa asked Rick as she used an X-ray to try and find anything unusual with Ronnie Anne.

"Science isn't cheap, Lisa. This should really help put a dent in the overhead."

"Wow, this is crazy!" Lincoln stated as he looked around at the attractions. "Spleen Mountain? Bladder Falls? Pirates of the pancreas?"

"You got a problem with that last one, Lincoln." Rick asked in a defensive tone.

"Is this what's hurting Ronnie Anne?" Lincoln asked.

"What? No no no, the attractions were designed in a way which are completely harmless and absolutely safe for Ronnie Anne. There's something else here that's causing this."

"Right." Lincoln said, not totally convinced this wasn't Rick's fault somehow.

"If I sounded a little defensive, it's because Pirates of the Pancreas was my baby." Rick started to rant. "I-I got a lot of push-back when I pitched it, Lincoln. I guess I'm still a little defensive. Let's just find Dr. Bloom, alright? I-I'm picking up a distress signal in the liver, Lincoln. Lana, proceed to the liver."

Lincoln and Lana then reunited at a sign posting directions. After seeing where they needed to go, the haunted liver, the two got onto a shuttle to make their way to the lower abdomen. On the way, Lana decided to start a conversation with Lincoln.

"Are you still mad at us for meddling?" Lana asked.

Lincoln sighed. "Honestly, I'm more mad at Grandpa Rick for doing all..." Lincoln gestured to everything around him. "This! Look I appreciate that you just wanna help but you guys can be really overbearing. Unless things are looking really bad, I'd rather you guys just let me handle my own problems. You see where I'm coming from?"

"Yeah..I think I understand." Lana conceded before brightening up. "Still, it's not so bad. This place is awesome!"

Lincoln smiled. At least there was some positives from this as Lana now seems to be cheering up.

"Arriving at 'Liver'. Mind the gap." An automated voice called out. Lincoln and Lana got out the shuttle to see that they've entered a darker area with flickering lights. It seems that the liver had been converted to a haunted house-style attraction.

"Spooky." Lana remarked.

"Bet Lucy would've loved to see this place." Lincoln thought out loud as both of them entered 'The Haunted Liver'. When they went in, they both got jumpscared from behind them by an animatronic werewolf causing them to scream.

"AAH! A monster!" They both screamed before Lincoln got his gun out and shot at the animatronic, destroying it.

"Goddamnit Lincoln, that was just an animatronic werewolf, do you know how much that's gonna cost?" Rick ranted.

"Well, sorry." Lincoln said sarcastically before an arm reached out from behind him and grabbed Lincoln's throat.

A large, muscular, shirtless man with a mustache, a unibrow and a short mohawk came from behind the corner and picked Lincoln up, pinning him against the wall with his forearm. The man spoke with an accent. "Who are you? Answer me! Where did you come from?"

"Ack! My name's L-Lincoln! M-My Grandpa Rick sent me!" Lincoln managed to choke out.

"Poncho! That's quite enough." An amoeba looking alien with glasses and a mustache, holding a cane, commanded to the man. Poncho glared at Lincoln before letting him go. Lana then ran up to Lincoln to check if he was alright.
 
"Lincoln, Lana, that's Poncho." The amoeba alien said introducing him. Two other people then entered the room. "This is Roger." The amoeba said gesturing to the man wearing what looked like safari gear. "And this is Carol." He then said gesturing to the teenage girl who looked about Lori's age. She had long blonde hair and wore a purple headband, a purple shirt with a white collar and a brown skirt with a checker pattern. The humans there were also wearing the same kind of gear as Lincoln and Lana.

"Wait, Carol? Aren't you that girl that Lori keeps complaining about?" Lincoln asked.

Carol rolled her eyes. "Pfft. Yeah that sounds like Lori. Lemme guess, she brags about how much better she is then me right?"

"Uhh..." Lincoln said in confusion before the amoeba interrupted them.

"Ahem. And I am Dr. Xenon Bloom." Dr. Bloom finished introducing himself. A speaker apparatus then emerged from Lincoln's helmet. Rick's voice then spoke from it. "Hey Bloom, it's Rick. What the hell's goin' on here?"

"I don't know why." Dr. Bloom answered. "But the entire security system has shut down and for some reason, the place is now crawling with diseases."

"Do you have any idea how this happened?" Rick asked as everyone walked out the Haunted Liver. "You were meant to keep the place safe!"

"I don't know!" Dr. Bloom admitted. "This place was perfectly fine until today when these diseases just showed up out of nowhere."

A distant roar could suddenly be heard. "Hey Doc, I have news for ya." Poncho stated as a giant, yellow, boil covered monser then showed up. "Your living theme park is officially a wild safari!"

"Hepatitis A! Run!" Roger shouted. Poncho then got out out a machine gun and started firing at the disease. Lincoln and Lana then got out their own guns and fired at the monster. Their guns seemed to be more effective on the monster than Poncho's gun as the disease soon fell over dead before dissolving away.

"Good job Lincoln and Lana!" Dr. Bloom complimented them. "You've killed one of the diseases. If only Rick had supplied us with that kind of weaponary."

"What happened?" Rick asked Lincoln and Lana.

"I think we killed a Hepatitis A?" Lincoln answered unsure.

"Oh, that's great Lincoln!" Rick complimented.

"I'm detecting some kind of anomaly in the respiratory system." Lisa stated.

"All right Lincoln, you need to head for the respiratory system. A-also if you see any diseases there, whatever you do, don't shoot under any circumstances. Just run for it and I'll take care of it." Rick instructed.

"Ok got it." Lincoln said before turning to the group. "Rick said we need to go to the respiratory system."

"Ah, that's not too far from here. I'll lead the way." Dr. Bloom stated.

"Oh, also Rick said don't use your guns no matter what." Lincoln remembered.

"Right, well, you heard him Poncho." Dr. Bloom said. Poncho growled in response and muttered something to himself as the group moved on.

The group eventually reached a door with a sign that said 'Alveoli Forest' on it. Roger then examined a meter near the door. "That's strange..." he said as he tapped the meter. "Air flow is down twenty percent."

"So the brain isn't getting enough oxygen. That's why security is offline." Dr. Bloom realised.

"I guess we better check it out then." Lincoln commented. The group passed through the door. As it started to close, a man in a dog mascot suit rushed up and passed through.

"Hey, wait for me!" The man called out. After he made it in, the bald man took off the head part of his costume.
 
Dr. Bloom pointed his cane at the man. "Put that back on, Alexander!" Dr. Bloom demanded angrily. Alexander paused for a moment before begrudgingly putting it back on.

The group examined the area. "If we got up to the bronchial catwalk, we could look for blockage." Roger deduced.

"I'll go!" Lana said enthusiastically before jumping onto the bouncy, round alveoli, clinging to it.

"Don't be a hero, kid." Poncho warned her.

"I'm not. I'm doin' it cus it's fun!" Lana replied back before jumping up to another one.

"We shouldn't be here." Poncho commented, about to cock his gun before Dr. Bloom stopped him.

"Whatever you do, don't fire that thing in here! We must save Ronnie Anne. This is my life's work."

After looking around in curiosity, Carol came across growth of bacteria on some tar. She touched it, making it squelch, causing her to gasp in fear and recoil. "Ah!"

"It's alright, my dear." Dr. Bloom reassured her. "Nearly all human lungs contain a strain of this bacteria, but the scar tissue…" he prodded it with his cane. He then saw that something had escaped from some of the scar tissue "…keeps them...dormant." He then looked up towards Lana who was getting close to the catwalk. "Lana! Get down!"

Lana had just jumped to grab onto the catwalk before seeing a large number of black, spider-like creatures coming down. "Whoa!" Lana shouted before falling back down, harmlessly bouncing on the alveoli on the way down.

"What are those things?" Lincoln asked.

"Tuberculosis, coming in fast!" Dr. Bloom answered. "Alright, everyone run for it!"

The group did exactly that as they had managed to escape the tuberculosis with no casualties, sealing up the entrance. Lincoln then pressed the speaker on his helmet. "Grandpa Rick, Ronnie Anne's got tuberculosis!"

"Tuberculosis, got it. Don't worry, me and Lisa will deal with it." Rick told him.

"How's Ronnie Anne?" Lincoln asked in concern.

"She's hanging in there Lincoln." Rick said reassuringly. "You're both doing good so far, you just need to head to the colon. I think there might be a case of gonorrhea happening down there. It's also the way to the emergency station. There's a ray that'll enlarge you. Me and Lisa can handle the rest."

"Ok." Lincoln said before turning to the group. "Everyone! We need to get to the colon!"

Lincoln moved forward as Poncho glared at him. "Now I'm takin' orders from a nine-year-old boy?!"

Dr. Bloom came up to walk beside Lincoln in order to talk privately. "The scar sacs containing the tuberculosis were sabotaged. This disaster was an inside job. Keep your eyes on Alexander. For some reason, I think he might hold a grudge."

Roger then walked up besides them. "Intestines are ahead to the left. Then the right. Then left. Et cetera."

Lincoln then slowed down in order to talk to Carol. "So how'd you end up working with Grandpa Rick?"

"Ugh, I saw an ad about some kind of experimental theme park being run by a scientist. Though no one told me that the theme park was in some little girl. Or that it could be potentially life threatening." Carol explained, slightly frustrated by the situation.

"Yeah, you're not the only one Rick hides stuff from. You know, no offence but from how Lori described you, I kinda expected you to be a jerk." Lincoln admitted.

Carol rolled her eyes. "Trust me, I'm willing to bet 95% of what she says about me isn't true."

The two conversed for a bit before the group made it to the small intestine. The group had gotten into a raft in order to sail down it. The intestine was filled with animatronics that were singing.
 
"It's a road of laughter, a trail of food. It's a pathway that breaks up the fat in food. It's a tube in the chest and it sends out the rest. It's a small, small intestine!" The animatronics sang.

"It goes on like this for miles..." Roger stated, clearly finding the animatronics irritating.

"And then we get to the large intestine!" Dr. Bloom said excitedly.

"Can I please just take this stupid outfit off already?" Alexander asked.

"No!" Dr. Bloom angrily replied before lightly whacking his head with his cane.

Lincoln groaned as he also found the singing animatronics irritating. He looked at Lana. At least she seemed to be having fun as she was bobbing her head to the music.

Suddenly, a low rumbling can be heard. "Shh." Poncho shushed. "I hear something."

Another large monster with four spiked tentacles then emerged in front of them from the river, roaring at them.

"Don't move." Dr. Bloom whispered. "Gonorrhoea can't see us if we don't move."

The gonorrhoea then roared more viciously before moving towards them.

"Wait! I was wrong! I was thinking of a T-rex." Dr. Bloom confessed.

Poncho pulled out his gun, but before he could fire, the gonorrhoea capsized the boat, causing them all to fall overboard. They then swam to the shore on the side of the intestine.

"We're sitting ducks!" Carol gasped before Lincoln and Lana moved forward.

"Don't worry, we got this." Lincoln stated as both of them got out their guns and started firing away at the disease. It soon died and dissolved away.

"Nice one." Carol complimented Lincoln, offering him a fist bump which he reciprocated. As the group congratulated Lincoln and Lana, no one noticed Poncho glaring angrily at the two of them.

...

The group casually made their way across a platform to a growth ray. A giant metal door could be seen to the side.

"Well done you two!" Dr. Bloom complimented Lincoln and Lana. "Thanks to you and Rick, Anatomy park can safely continue business! Now if only we knew what caused all this."

Roger got to work on the growth ray. "I should be able to access the backup generator to get the growth ray back online. If it works, you two will be regular-sized in a few minutes."

"Make that three, I'm going too. I quit." Carol stated.

"That's a shame but fair enough." Dr. Bloom remarked.

Lana then noticed a strange black creature peaking out of Poncho's backpack. "Hey Poncho? What's that in your backpack?"

Poncho turned to face Lana, shocked that she had caught him. This gave Dr. Bloom full view of what was in Poncho's backpack.

"That's bubonic plague! What are you doing with that, Poncho?" Dr. Bloom asked.

Poncho then suddenly grabbed Lincoln, holding a knife to his throat. "Everybody get back!"

"Lincoln!" Lana called out.

"Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis and spreaded all these diseases just so you could steal from me?" Dr. Bloom deduced.
 
Poncho laughed. "That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder. Al Quaeda. North Korea. Republicans! Shriners! Balding men that work out! People on the Internet that are only turned on by cartoons of Japanese teenagers! Anything is better than working for you!" Poncho stated pointing his knife at Dr. Bloom. "You pompous, negligent, iTunes Gift Card as a holiday bonus-giving—"

Before he could finish, Lana let out an angry shout before jumping onto him. He stumbled back, allowing Lincoln to escape as Lana had gotten onto his face to start punching at him. "Get off me you brat!" Poncho shouted. The bubonic plague then climbed up and bit his shoulder making him jump and Lana fall off him. "Ah! Eh! Get! Get off!" Poncho begged before he backed up to the railing and then fell off. He screamed as he fell to his and the bubonic plague's death.

Lana then got up and called after him. "That's what you get for messing with my brother and his friend, you big, stupid jerk!" Lana then went to Lincoln. "Lincoln! Are you ok?"

"I'm fine. Now that kind of meddling, I can get behind." Lincoln stated, smiling at her. Lana had a big grin on her face as Lincoln patted her back.

Dr. Bloom shook his head, tutting. "So, he smuggled in the diseases." He sighed. "I told Rick we should have done background checks. Oh well. All's well that ends well. Roger?"

"Should be ready in just a minute." Roger stated.

"Wait, how's this going to work while we're still inside Ronnie Anne?" Lincoln asked.

"Well you see Lincoln," Dr. Bloom started to explain. "The rate at which you'll grow is much slower than your grandfather's shrinking machine. Once it's activated, it'll give you three enough time to leave this place."

"Um, where exactly are we leaving from?" Lincoln asked.

...

Ten minutes later, Lincoln, Lana and Carol were back to their regular sizes in Rick's garage. They all had looks of disgust on their faces, including Lana. "So we all agree to never bring that up ever again, right?" Lincoln asked. Everyone nodded in response.

"Is it done?" Lori asked as she came in before noticing Carol. "Carol?! What's she doing here?"

"Leaving. I quit Mr. Sanchez." Carol stated before leaving the garage. Rick simply groaned in response.

"Soooo, how did it go?" Lori asked both her siblings.

Lana started gushing. "It was awesome! It was like a real theme park with like, body part stuff. There were these bouncy balls, a river full of gunk and, oh, I also saved Lincoln's life." Lana grinned proudly at that last part.

"Really?" Lori asked, glad that Lana was now in a better good mood.

Lincoln, however, was preoccupied with Ronnie Anne. "So, how's Ronnie Anne?" Lincoln asked.

"She's good, Lincoln. Me and Lisa took care of everything else so mission accomplished and no one died! High five!" Rick offered Lincoln a high five. Lincoln just gave him a deadpan look. "Yeah ok. She'll be up in a few minutes. You can go try to explain something to her or whatever. I'm out." Rick stated before walking off.

...

Ronnie Anne woke up on the living room couch feeling better then she had all day. "Ugh...what happened?"

"You passed out." Lincoln answered.

Ronnie Anne got up to look at him. "Huh? How long was I out for?"

"Umm...a while." Lincoln answered, not really sure how long it had been. Ronnie Anne then got out her phone to look at the time.
 
"Uh oh! Mom doesn't know where I am! I gotta go! See ya!" Ronnie Anne stated before getting up and running out the house.

...

Later on, Lincoln had gone to his room to relax when he heard whistling come from outside. "Huh?" He went over to open it only for a rock to come flying in. There was a note attached to the rock. Lincoln picked up the note to read it. "Sorry, Lame-O. Here's my number. Text me? XOXO, Ronnie Anne."

Lincoln blinked in surprise at the letter. "Wow, I guess my sisters were actually right this one time." Lincoln then addressed the audience. "But don't tell them I said that."
 
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