Anonymous Lawyer

I just received the following e-mail from someone in human resources:

We are very concerned about the recent increase in the use of office supplies. This note is a reminder that paper clips are for office-related use only, and not for personal use. We do not want to have to lock up the office supplies, but we will be forced to take some sort of security measures if they continue to disappear at an alarming rate. Please do not take office pens, pencils, or notepads home with you. They are for office work only. Also, please help us by returning all paper clips, binder clips, and plastic folders after their normal work-use has been completed. DO NOT throw away paper clips. This has become a pervasive problem at the office. Our maintenance staff has been asked to keep track of the most egregious offenders and report back to us. YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE ON THEIR LIST. Please stay on top of these issues -- they are crucial to firm success.

At the rates we bill clients, I could spend an hour pouring paper clips out the window and we'd still make a profit. This is why the human resources department should be dramatically downsized and their only salary should be a stipend to be used in the cafeteria. Finding good clients and keeping them happy is crucial to firm success. Recycling paper clips is not. This rivals the "shoe memo" from last fall as the most useless e-mail yet from these idiots. The "shoe memo" was all about how too many female employees were wearing open-toed shoes that were a potential hazard due to all of the walls and doors in the building that their feet could hit and we could be open to liability. At least it keeps the day interesting.