Thursday, May 20, 2004

 
Had a good lunch with the associate today. He picked a wonderful restaurant, and we made it a two-and-a-half hour event. He told me about the novel he wrote, and the book of short stories he's hoping to produce in his spare time this summer, and I asked him what he could possibly be doing at a law firm. There are people who are passionate about the law, there's no question. There are people who genuinely love the intellectual challenge of what they do here. Absolutely. And there are people who don't, but there aren't any jobs where they would, so why not pick something that pays well and has some prestige. They don't have tremendous passions or productive activities they find fulfilling -- they like good food, good wine, exotic travel, nice things -- so the job that's going to make them happiest is the one that pays well, and they're smart, and this isn't the worst life imaginable, so they make the work-long-hours tradeoff, pretty easily, and they do this for a living. It's understandable. There's nothing else really pulling at them -- maybe family, eventually, but they recognize they have to earn a living somehow, and this is easier and more lucrative than construction, so here they are. It's fine. I get it. But then there's people like this guy. People who are smart enough to do this, and probably do it well and make a good living from it -- but it's never going to be enough, it's never going to be what they really want to be doing, and it's never going to send them home at night truly happy with who they've become. Yet they do it because they're frightened. They're frightened of taking that leap of faith, but not knowing how to turn what excites them and motivates them into a way to make a living, and not sure they really have the talent, and not at all confident it will all work out in the end. And worried that by giving up the safe, reliable, however sould-crushing income stream and societal respectability, they'll have made a disastrous choice that will come back to haunt them in the future. And they can't take the risk. And so they end up here -- not necessarily miserable, although in some cases probably, but resigned, beaten, conquered, tamed -- by a life that isn't really what they feel like they were meant to be doing, isn't really what they feel like they want to be doing, and isn't really what makes them able to look in the mirror without regrets. If he stays here, this is who he will become. He knows it, and, after today, I know it. He can stay, in the cloak of someone who loves the law, or in the cloak of someone who loves nothing so he settles for the law -- but either way, he's hiding. I told him I'd love to read his novel.

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Which kind of lawyer are you?

I'm one of the frightened ones.
 
Occasionally, big firm attorneys swoop into town and tread the pine floors of our county courthouse. It’s always a treat to watch the cufflinks flash as the nine-year associate hands his supervising partner the gilded pleadings. Your blog is a fascinating window into an alien world.
 
AL, do you think from the second comment posted that the experience is all that different for the small town practitioner or County DA?

Why are Summer Associate's only options to live "in the cloak of someone who loves the law" or "the cloak of someone who loves nothing so he settles"? Was it clear already that he couldn't be one of those that is passionate about what he is going into, or can one not know until they are there? Does it go to motivation?

I ponder these things when I see classmates pursuing the life you describe, and I wonder if they might be locked-in and regretful in a few years. I wonder if they will even care. I question how this is/will change me and if I will choose to accept and become that change, or if I could change to such an extent and not even notice. That concerns me - surely such a thing is not possible. Is it? We always have a choice. Isn't that what makes life bearable?
 
As someone who is planning to start law school this fall and has an MFA in creative writing plus a solid career in software design behind me, I've given a lot of thought to the issues you've raised. I don't chalk it up to fear; I chalk it up to pragmatism. Law, as I see it, offers the opportunity to have some financial stability plus intellectual challenge. It's similar to the intellectual challenge that makes me love creative writing and software design, and what it lacks in conventional creativity, it makes up for with presenting the possibility of channeling it for a good cause (at least with some pro bono work).

It's easy, from where you are, to sit and see the negatives, and idealize the full-time writing career this associate might be leaving behind. I'd suggest life isn't that black and white - a carefully chosen career satisfies a balance of motivations, not necessarily a single passion. I think it would be interesting to explore the topic with your associate more, from an angle of possibility rather than fear. Yes, he's clearly leaving some things behind or relegating them to second best but he might be moving toward other things, of which you're not aware.
 
I'm one of the frieghtened ones also. And I've been running on the fear, while bearing the regret, for a decade and a half.

Unless a person can hide from himself also, settling is a difficult thing to do.
 
I recently finished grad school (not in law) and chose a bigger, more important, more stable and better-salaried job over a smaller, more exciting, more risky and much lower-salaried one. I've been here 3 months and already I'm starting to wonder. I guess my strategy is to stick with this job, pragmatically, until I have some savings and the ability to leave for something I'd enjoy more. But my question is, how long does that take? With $90 grand of student loans, that could take like 30 years! I wouldn't say I'm 'frightened' but I'm getting a little nervous.
 
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