Monday, June 14, 2004

 
Stop it. Someone keeps e-mailing me his/her resume, looking for a summer associate position for next year, with the name redacted -- "Anonymous Law Student," he/she writes at the top. I've e-mailed back each time politely saying this isn't the right way to go about it, and please send the resume through the appropriate channels, but he/she just sends it right back. It's happened five times now. And it's getting pretty annoying. Also killing this guy/girl's chances of ever getting hired here. Unless the whole resume is a fake and then I can't figure out who it is when he/she applies.

But just in case it's not a fake, I'm going to tear it apart on here for my hundred-odd readers to learn from.

1. I don't care what you did in high school. You were captain of the tennis team, I don't care. It was 7 years ago.

2. "Wine making" is not an "interest" it gets me all that excited to see on a resume. Wine making = wine drinking, and while that's perhaps a fine interest, it's not an interest that's going to help you succeed in the workplace, so get it off the resume. Similarly, darts, ping pong, foosball, arcade games, computer simulations, and having sex with your dog are not good interests to list -- those weren't on the resume; I'm just trying to be helpful.

3. I don't need to know your PSAT score. I'm assuming it's on the same scale as the SAT, but I'm not sure. If so, your 1120 isn't that impressive. Sorry.

4. Kaplan LSAT Prep Class should not be listed under education. I can't imagine why you thought including that on your resume wouldn't hurt much, much more than it could ever possibly help.

5. Listing famous professors you've had is only marginally more necessary than listing good restaurants you've eaten at. I don't care if you signed up for a class with someone famous. If they're willing to vouch for your brilliance, then maybe we can talk.

6. Unexplained gaps in work history raise questions. Did you really do NOTHING for a year in between the consulting firm and law school? And am I really supposed to take from that anything besides the assumption you got unceremoniously dumped by the consulting firm and were so incompetent you couldn't find another job for a year? Because that's the picture I get.

7. "Turned down accepted transfer application to [better school than you're at]" is shameless prestige-whoring. Lawyers are prestige whores as much as anyone, but that goes too far even for us.

8. Don't spell stuff wrong. It looks bad.

9. STOP SENDING ME YOUR RESUME.

Comments:
If I stop sending it, will you hire me?
 
I cannot believe someone who has worked at a consulting firm(i'm assuming management consulting) and now attends a law school is so clueless...

are you just trying to make us laugh?
 
REBUTTAL:
1. I don't care what you did in high school. You were captain of the tennis team, I don't care. It was 7 years ago.C'mon, AL, I know you don't care whether I hit green fuzzy balls around seven years ago. I know you do care that I grew up in a uppercrust neighborhood, went to the right schools (even if they weren't the most challenging schools -- Swarthmore, anyone?) and, most importantly, have the right friends. What better way to say that quickly than saying I was captain of the high school tennis team?

2. "Wine making" is not an "interest" it gets me all that excited to see on a resume. Wine making = wine drinking, and while that's perhaps a fine interest, it's not an interest that's going to help you succeed in the workplace, so get it off the resume. Similarly, darts, ping pong, foosball, arcade games, computer simulations, and having sex with your dog are not good interests to list -- those weren't on the resume; I'm just trying to be helpful.Wine-drinking won't help me in the office? Really, lambchops? I suppose you think sleeping one's way to the top never happens either.

3. I don't need to know your PSAT score. I'm assuming it's on the same scale as the SAT, but I'm not sure. If so, your 1120 isn't that impressive. Sorry.4. Kaplan LSAT Prep Class should not be listed under education. I can't imagine why you thought including that on your resume wouldn't hurt much, much more than it could ever possibly help.You're reading those wrong -- I've included them as a testament to thrive and excel despite an underlying lack of merit. Do you want the smart, hard-working son of an immigrant that has only have had the success he's struggled for? Or a lazy, dim but well-placed scion who is relying on connections, money and bravado to weasel his way into a position well past his ability? Which one do you think will make a better case for your guilty clients? Who do you think your clients will relate to better? Think about it.

5. Listing famous professors you've had is only marginally more necessary than listing good restaurants you've eaten at. I don't care if you signed up for a class with someone famous. If they're willing to vouch for your brilliance, then maybe we can talk.Listing the famous professors I've taken classes from certainly makes more sense than listing the grades I got in those classes. Who knew those brillant minds would expect other people to be brillant?

6. Unexplained gaps in work history raise questions. Did you really do NOTHING for a year in between the consulting firm and law school? And am I really supposed to take from that anything besides the assumption you got unceremoniously dumped by the consulting firm and were so incompetent you couldn't find another job for a year? Because that's the picture I get.First off, being forced to resign doesn't count being fired. Those are two very different things.

Second off, I'd list the year I spent dealing weed out of the basement of my parents' chalet, but I'm afraid I'd be hired for all the wrong reasons.

7. "Turned down accepted transfer application to [better school than you're at]" is shameless prestige-whoring. Lawyers are prestige whores as much as anyone, but that goes too far even for us."Too far even for us"? Uhhh.... You may be right, this may not be a good "fit." I'm looking looking for a firm that glorifies balls-to-the-wall prestige-whoring. I want a firm where senior associates can be chucked out if their law school slips in the US News & World Report. With all due respect to the women reading this blog, your firm, sir, sounds like a giant pussy.

8. Don't spell stuff wrong. It looks bad.You get eckstra points for creativity. Sounds like "somebody" didn't learn that in law school. You should be grateful I'm still sending you my resume.

9. STOP SENDING ME YOUR RESUME.

STOP NOT HIRING ME.
 
1. I don't care what you did in high school. You were captain of the tennis team, I don't care. It was 7 years ago.C'mon, AL, I know you don't care whether I hit green fuzzy balls around seven years ago. I know you do care that I grew up in a uppercrust neighborhood, went to the right schools (even if they weren't the most challenging schools -- Swarthmore, anyone?) and, most importantly, I have the right friends. Or my parents do. What better way to convey the privilege, power and gross excess of my upbringing than to note my tenure as captain of the high school tennis team?

2. "Wine making" is not an "interest" it gets me all that excited to see on a resume. Wine making = wine drinking, and while that's perhaps a fine interest, it's not an interest that's going to help you succeed in the workplace, so get it off the resume. Similarly, darts, ping pong, foosball, arcade games, computer simulations, and having sex with your dog are not good interests to list -- those weren't on the resume; I'm just trying to be helpful.Wine-drinking won't help me in the office? Really, lambchops? I suppose you think sleeping one's way to the top never happens either.

3. I don't need to know your PSAT score. I'm assuming it's on the same scale as the SAT, but I'm not sure. If so, your 1120 isn't that impressive. Sorry.4. Kaplan LSAT Prep Class should not be listed under education. I can't imagine why you thought including that on your resume wouldn't hurt much, much more than it could ever possibly help.You're reading those wrong -- I've included them as a testament to thrive and excel despite an underlying lack of merit. Do you want the smart, hard-working son of an immigrant that has only have had the success he's struggled for? Or a lazy, dim-witted, but well-placed scion who is relying on connections, money and bravado to weasel his way into a position well past his ability? Which one do you think will relate better to your clients? To whom do you think your clients will relate better? Think about it.

5. Listing famous professors you've had is only marginally more necessary than listing good restaurants you've eaten at. I don't care if you signed up for a class with someone famous. If they're willing to vouch for your brilliance, then maybe we can talk.Listing the famous professors I've taken classes from certainly makes more sense than listing the grades I got in those classes. Who knew those brillant minds would expect other people to be brillant?

6. Unexplained gaps in work history raise questions. Did you really do NOTHING for a year in between the consulting firm and law school? And am I really supposed to take from that anything besides the assumption you got unceremoniously dumped by the consulting firm and were so incompetent you couldn't find another job for a year? Because that's the picture I get.First off, being forced to resign doesn't count being fired. Those are two very different things.

Second off, I'd list the year I spent dealing weed out of the basement of my parents' chalet, but I'm afraid I'd be hired for all the wrong reasons.

7. "Turned down accepted transfer application to [better school than you're at]" is shameless prestige-whoring. Lawyers are prestige whores as much as anyone, but that goes too far even for us."Too far even for us"? Uhhh.... You may be right, this may not be a good "fit." I'm looking looking for a firm that glorifies balls-to-the-wall prestige-whoring. I want a firm where senior associates can be fired if their law school slips in the US News & World Report rankings. I want law school GPAs posted under lawyers' names on the doors and on the letterhead. I want to be able to have associates who went to lower-ranked schools punished when they look me in the eye. I want a caste system, damn it. (Uhh, I mean, beyond the ordinary staff-associate-partner one.) With all due respect to the women reading this blog, you sound like a giant pussy.

8. Don't spell stuff wrong. It looks bad.I get eckstra points for creativity. Sounds like somebody didn't learn that in law school. You should be grateful I'm still sending you my resume.

9. STOP SENDING ME YOUR RESUME.

STOP NOT HIRING ME.
 
Anonymous Law Student-- AL is completely right. Stop trying to defend your shitty resume.
 
I almost thought the "rebuttal" was not really a defense at all, but a relatively witty spoof of a defense -- until I noticed ". . . has only have had the success he's struggled for?" Sigh. Thank you for posting the response,AL. Fortunately I didn't need any of those particular resume tips, but apparently there are others who do. I won't be sending mine hoping for free advice, and neither should anyone else.
 
And if it was a real resume and real rebuttal: the attitude tells you everything you need to know to NEVER offer this person a job. The the hapless (and inconsiderate) resume-sender should be damn grateful someone bothered to point out the flaws. AL, can you perhaps send a bill to his internet service provider?
 
AL, why don't you call "Anonymous Law Student" in for an interview? And then when s/he arrives, you can gather everyone around and point, mock, and laugh.
 
The double posting of the anal and overeager rebuttal was a fitting touch. My compliments to the author.
 
Good lord you people are easy to sucker. The whole resume thing is obviously a spoof. Gee, Funny how the Anonymous Law Student just happens to know exactly who the Anonymous Lawyer is. Wonder how that happened...

AL, you're slipping, man. You can do better.
 
The Anonymous Law Student wouldn't have to know who Anonymous Lawyer is. It says he keeps e-mailing him the resume. There's an e-mail address in the sidebar. Who says he knows anything more than that?
 
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