Anonymous Lawyer

Since it's a slow week, I took a couple of summer associates out to lunch today. One of them was an insipid human being and kept asking ass-kissing questions about the firm, like how it got to be so prestigious and how he can end up just like me and telling me how wonderful the summer program is and how proud I should be of the rest of his summer class since everyone is so special. Insipid. I wanted him to choke on his sea bass braised in a honey-orange reduction over grilled polenta. The other summer emptied every word he'd been storing up all summer when I asked him, innocently, how his other lunches have been. He told me some gossip about a few of my associates, and what they say about me behind my back -- which is good to hear, I suppose, but probably inappropriate for the summer to be repeating. He told me which summer associates he doesn't think are serious about working at the firm. And he told me he doesn't feel like he's been taxed much this summer as far as the difficulty of his assignments -- as if that's what the summer is for! Clearly a wonderful lunch, and makes me want to go scout for new clients so that I'm never free enough to take summer associates to lunch ever again. Unsolicited advice for summer associates: chew with your mouth closed, and if I don't order dessert, yes, that may be a sign that I'm ready to get back to the office, and, no, you probably shouldn't order dessert. Follow the partner's lead. They're lucky I didn't make them pay.