Anonymous Lawyer

I just woke up at my desk, head on an agreement I was paging through for last-minute changes. I must have fallen asleep. That's been happening more lately than it used to. If I caught an associate asleep at his desk I'd wake him up. I'd probably find some mindless task for him too. I don't why I'm different in the office than at home. If I found Anonymous Son asleep over a sheet of spelling homework, I'd gently carry him up to bed and tuck him in tight. Then again, he's not getting paid a six figure salary to do his spelling. There's something about walking through the revolving door every morning that transforms me into a different person. Outside, I'd possibly help a stranger who dropped a pile of papers on the ground. Inside, I'd probably have to think twice before even stopping to help a friend. It's just not the culture here. People don't ask about each other's lives; most people don't have much of a life to ask about. I don't know if most of the associates who work for me have families; I don't know what the last movie they saw is; I don't know whether they like the Dodgers or the Angels (although who likes the Angels?). It's not what we do. We do work. Showing emotion, showing tenderness and compassion, or even kindness and interest, is weakness. It's survival of the fittest. I didn't get to be a partner by helping my colleagues during their moments of weakness. I mean, I showed professional courtesy. I didn't backstab them, sabotage them, or actively machinate to destroy them. But I would be lying if I didn't admit I rooted for them to fail, even if it hurt the firm. I rooted for them to get the assignments I knew I couldn't handle, just so they'd be shown to be fallible. The number of partners is limited. It's a zero-sum game. And that's why I was here: to become a partner. There's nothing else out there at the end of the rainbow to strive for once you reach a certain point. The first few years there are things outside in the world that call you, but once you pass a certain threshold, and I think the timing is different for everyone, and you know you're here for the long haul, then your eyes are on the prize. And maybe I didn't poison anyone's coffee, but I might have turned a blind eye if I saw you with the arsenic standing over their mugs. And it's not like it stops once you make partner. There are other partners in the way of more power in the practice group, more influence, more respect among my peers, and (of course) more money. And why should I make it easier for the people below me than it was for me? Why should they get the benefit of a partner who feels mercy? I know the right thing to do. Why does that mean I ought to do it? Why should that give others an advantage over the people working for partners who don't have any idea what jerks they are. At least I know. At least I have my moments of clarity. If all I'm going to do is fall back asleep I may as well go home.