Anonymous Lawyer

I am only in the top quarter of my class, but I write a mean memo. I can run in heels, bake a cake from scratch, discuss football without sounding like someone's girlfriend. And I never, ever plan to breed.
 

Because I go to Harvard Law School. What else need I say?
 

I have an acrobat's tongue in spite of being a slow learner.
 

I can drive a stick and I'm not afraid to cry.
 

Better yet, tell us why we would want to work for YOU.
 

Because I'm willing to sell my soul for the money and promise to only whine about it in an anonymous blog.
 

I am in the top 5% of my class, while maintaining a leisurely 60% attendance at classes. I have a job at a Top 10 firm waiting for me, but in a small enough office where we aren't expected to bill more than 1900 a year. I will be making Big Firm money in a low cost-of living town within 100 miles of where I grew up.

Why would I want to work for your depressing firm?

P.S. How's the wife?
 

Bacause, as a 10-year attorney, I would be effective and efficient for the few hours I was expected to actually work -- and unlike a 2L, I'd appreciate the luxury of life as a summer associate, and relish the break from my own practice. And as I left each evening for another night of drinking and dining on your tab, I'd stop by your office to say that I know what it's like to be working until 9 or 10 each night, and suggest that maybe next year, you could summer at my firm.
 

2:08, there are no "Top 10" firms that meet that description. Try again.
 

You should give it to me because I didn't get an offer from my firm last summer because I have a terrible attitude and only did good work for the partners I liked, and just did crap for everyone else.

I will be your buttmonkey, and all the other partners, through my shoddy work product, will quit stealing my time from you.
 

1:05 Sounds good.

Office attire for you young lady: Tennis Shoes and a smile.

P.S. The tennis shoes are optional.
 

Hey 2:28

Nice job spelling, numb nuts.
 

Because I'm an average student at a mediocre law school who wants to see what he's missing out on.
 

No interest at all, but for shits and giggles:

Because I enjoy lunch at 4 star restaurants, free theatre tickets and the occasional ball game and will be dutifully grateful (but not obsequious) when presented therewith.

I am not so cowed by senior partners and bored by junior ones that I am unable to carry on interesting lunch, dinner and cocktail conversation with them (indulging each, of course, in his/her particular interest).

I will not fuck paralegals or secretaries even after drinking to excess at firm outings.

I will spread good cheer about your firm -- even though it resembles the 7th circle of the Inferno -- at my law school.

I will do what I am trained to do: fedex, fax and xerox, perfectly.

Finally, I will not mention how obscenely large this type font is, but I'll fix it and you will never know the difference (except that it looks better), and you will think you did it.
 

Because I spent 5 yrs out of school in the workforce before going to law school, and I'm neither naive, nor idealistic. I know I'd be lucky to even have a job with that much prestige and job security that still compensates me enough to pay my mortgage and buy myself new golf clubs every year.

I don't mind carrying a blackberry everywhere I go. I've got no wife to beg me to spend time with her. I've got no kids to beg me to go to a baseball game, so thats more time for me to bill the everliving crap out of your clients. I'd be perfectly happy if I never got married, using my aforementioned job prestige to help have meaningless sexual relationships the rest of my days (outside the firm of course).

Most importantly, I don't mind letting you take credit for my work, as long as you 'throw me a bone' every now and then.

-D
 

Announce the winner already..."drums roll"...
 

Although I wouldn't do some of the necessary things (like, "carefully research law" or "show up") I'd be perfect in every way. I'd cash the checks you send me, and I wouldn't eat all that food on your dime.

Think of the cost savings! Think of the work that isn't screwed up! This *is* the solution, man.

If you hire me, I promise to stay drunk in a totally different city. Can you ask for anything more?
 

Dude, I think this blog has jumped the shark.
 

AL, do you have an Apprentice complex or something?
 

"...this blog has jumped the shark..."

Well, that made my day. AL, shouldn't you be looking for a fictitious law student for a fictitious position, rather than real commenters? I would think you would be poring over Melville's "Bartleby the Scrivener" or Goethe's "Faust," just to see if the protagonists would have the right cut of suit.

TPB, Esq.
http://unbillablehours.typepad.com
 

Because I nailed your (fictional) wife, knocked her up and left the tab for you
 

Because if you don't give me the job I think the Major City Chief of Police will want to hear about what I saw Saturday night at 1:30 am in the alley behind Fantasia's.
 

What is it with all of the belligerence in this thread? AL poses an interesting question. Considering that in the real world, cover letters are often put on the fast track to the “circular file” (reading cover letters is not billable time) and most resumes probably receive about ten seconds of review for the same reason, this is a decent opportunity to throw in your two bits about why you would make a good summer hire. I’d be happy to be your summer hire, AL. We’re at least on the same page, and that’s a heck of a good start.
 

Because I taught myself to drive stick shift on an island in Malaysia with only five minutes of instruction over the phone from my brother in the U.S. There's very little you could ever throw at me that I won't figure out in less time than that.
 

"What is it with all of the belligerence in this thread?"

Err... come again, this whole blog is marked by antagonistic posting. It's great.