Anonymous Lawyer

I've been answering reader e-mail this evening. I was falling behind. I should get an associate to answer it for me. In any case, I thought it would be fun to share a couple of questions and answers. Real e-mails.

Q. Work sucks, associates suck, partners suck, even Theo Epstein sucks. It all just sucks ... I think you like sports. But just out of curiosity, what else?

A. Yes, I like sports. Money and power are nice too. Corn muffins. They're good. Pre-moistened sheets of toilet paper. Cufflinks. Life insurance. High-definition television. Crack cocaine.

Q. I am a recent graduate of a third tier law school. How can I get a job at a firm like yours?

A. You can't. Sorry.

Q. Your blog is interesting but you seem to spend too much time writing on your blog while bitching about how no one is working. Do you ever do anything?

A. Nope. That's what my associates are for.

Q. Ya know what I think? I think you need to have a very mad, very passionate, very sneaky affair!

A. Not unless you send a picture first. Sorry.

Q. I'm doing a report for my honors 10 English class and I was wondering if you could help me out. We are reaserching the carrers that we want to persue and I would like to be a lawyer. It says on your web page you are an annonymous lawyer. so i would like to ask you some questions.

A. Honors English? Sadly, you'd fit right in here.

Q. You poor, insecure, inferiority complex driven punk. You have no friends, only acquaintances that are as fake as you. You're a disgrace to our profession and guess what you sorry mother f*cker, I know exactly who you are and you're going down!

A. You know who I am? Ooh, I'm worried.

Q. Thank you. More evidence.