Monday, January 30, 2006

I just got through destroying three dozen bagels. Ripped them apart, tossed them all across the conference room, threw a real fit about it. My secretary didn't order from the usual place. We had clients in there, and she gets these awful, stale, terrible bagels. They weren't even close. They were hideous. It's hard enough to find decent bagels in Southern California, but we did, and I'd told her that was the place, every time we get bagels, that's where we should get them from. And she didn't this time. One of the clients took one, picked at it, left most of it on his plate. Someone else tried to cut one in half but they barely cut. They were hard as rocks. There was hardly any onion on the onion bagel, hardly any poppy seeds on the poppy seed bagel, this was ridiculous. The cream cheese was weird too. It didn't taste right. So nobody ate these, and I felt like a jackass having client in here to eat garbage while we talk about the million-dollar business they're providing the firm, so after they left I called my secretary in, had her sit down, and made her eat a bagel. She said she wasn't hungry but I made her eat it anyway. I made her force it down. An entire bagel. "Did you like it?" I asked her. "Not really," she said. No, of course not. Because they're garbage. And then I took them and flung them around the room, ripping out the insides, tearing them into pieces, spreading the cream cheese across the walls, smashing the egg bagel with the leg of the table, really grinding it into the carpeting. And then I told her to clean it all up, and I didn't want to see her until the room was spotless. She's in there now. Then I called up personnel to tell them I need a replacement secretary this morning because my secretary was unable to do her job. And then I poured rubber cement all over her desk. She can deal with that when she gets back. And then I urinated on her coat. Okay, I didn't do that. I'm making that part up. I should do that. I won't, but I should. Okay, I didn't do any of this. I told her next time to get the bagels from the place we usually order from, and that if she wanted to give the remaining bagels to the homeless people outside, she could do that, this time, because they're terrible and I don't care if we give terrible food to the homeless, it's just the good leftovers we don't need to be wasting on them.

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