Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Kudos to the Vice President. I've often wished I could shoot people, especially the oldest partners at the firm. They've outlived their usefulness. Cheney knew this guy's best days were behind him and decided to take matters into his own hands. That's the mark of a leader. I've never been a fan of the Vice President. His heart attacks have been signs of weakness. But this incident gives me renewed respect. Besides, I'm afraid to write anything different. After all, the man he shot was a lawyer. I don't want him to come after me next.

It's probably not the smartest move to shoot a lawyer. Lawyers are litigious, obviously. I wouldn't be surprised if the guy sues Cheney for this. Some civil litigation, maybe get a jury that's sympathetic to the plight of a 78-year-old man accidentally caught in the Vice President's crosshairs, and get some money. I don't really know if it's a case he could win. I don't know anything about civil litigation. I've only been in the courtroom a handful of times in my career.

It's a misconception people have about lawyers, especially lawyers who've been doing this for a while -- they think we all spend lots of time trying cases, but especially at a firm like this one, of course we don't. If I got in legal trouble -- say, if I shot someone, but without the cover of it being a "hunting accident," I don't think there's anyone at the firm I'd trust to represent me. I'd go outside the firm, for sure. Who's the guy who got Michael Jackson acquitted? I'd get him. He's got to be pretty good. Why didn't Cheney shoot Michael Jackson? That would have made more sense. What did this Whittington guy ever do? Part of me thinks they deserve this mess, just for going hunting to begin with.

I don't really understand hunting. The birds didn't do anything to deserve getting shot. Don't get me wrong -- I'm not for gun control. I just think the guns should be used against people who really deserve it. Murderers, rapists, paralegals. Although my sympathies certainly lie with the guy who got shot, he's not acquitting himself very well in the aftermath -- he was doing great, but the heart attack is a bit of a weakness. Just when I thought we'd found a new American hero -- shot by the Vice President but comes back stronger than ever -- he starts to suffer complications.

If I was an entertainment lawyer, I'd be signing that guy up right away, hoping to get a commission when he sells the TV movie rights. We've got some guys here who could play the part of a 78-year-old confused man pretty well. One of them is in the office right next to mine. Maybe the Vice President can come down here and shoot him for me.

Then I can tear down the connecting wall and combine the offices so I can have the biggest one at the firm. That would be terrific. Instead I have to wait until he dies of natural causes. I keep trying to get him to eat more cake at the receptions. Cake, cookies, ice cream -- anything that'll get him out of that office faster. Doubling the size of my office would be wonderful. So good maybe I'll shoot him myself.

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