Anonymous Lawyer

On the heels of the TSA announcement today, we decided to go ahead and ban all liquids and gels at the firm too. You can never be too safe. I put myself in charge of the terrorism task force and went searching through people's offices this afternoon. I'm always looking for reasons to search my associates' desks, so this was a perfect excuse. Took a couple bottles of Jack Daniels home with me after finding them in people's drawers. A few bottles of wine. Some toothpaste and shaving cream for when people are stuck in the office overnight. Tossed that stuff. They'll need to buy it again, but we can't take the risk there are explosives inside. Water bottles, sunscreen, nail polish, the potassium chloride solution we found in one associate's desk next to a suicide note, a marinated piece of salmon someone was cooking sous vide in his bookcase, for a quick dinner, a couple of Frappucinos, all thrown in the trash. We take terrorism seriously here. The only thing I let pass was Red Bull. They need that. But the chamomile tea one weak, weak, terribly weak associate was using to nurse herself through a cold? No way. Colds are for the weak. Liquids are for the weak. We need strong associates. It also gave me an excuse to finally throw out the Jello that's been in the refrigerator in the attorney lounge for about six weeks. That was really the motivation behind all of this to begin with. I'm awfully pleased the TSA gave me the chance to take care of it.