Anonymous Lawyer

To: ALL
Re: More Layoffs

Just kidding. See, it doesn't always have to be bad news. I assure you, we are doing everything possible to avoid further layoffs. Our recent associate survey confirmed that you would like us to do everything possible to avoid further layoffs. We are listening. We assure you, we are listening. (We even shut off the water in all non-partner bathrooms.)

That's why, retroactive to January of 2004, we are imposing a 20% salary reduction on all associates and staff. This is the best way to avoid further layoffs, while at the same time preserving the integrity of the firm's partnership, which was the top concern according to our survey of the firm's partnership.

Salary reduction invoices will be placed in your mailboxes by Friday. We recognize that covering the back salary owed since 2004 may be an overwhelming burden. We are therefore allowing the amount to be paid back in installments over the next six months for an additional 10% processing fee.

The partnership recognizes that there may be associates and staff uncomfortable with the idea that salary previously earned can be taken away. For those who feel this way, we invite you to read section 14.2 of your original employment agreement: "Salary previously earned may be recalled at any time."

However, because of these tough economic times, we would like to extend an offer to all associates and staff who would prefer not to have to return the back salary: if you decide to leave the firm by the end of the week, we will reduce your payment burden by 90%. Thus, you will be allowed to leave the firm, and only pay back 2% of your salary since 2004, rather than the 20% standard.

We hope our generosity does not go unnoticed.

All the best to you,
The Partnership of The Firm